[review] Knott’s Scary Farm – I am the Monster Magnet


(this lovely monster told me I was a disgrace, but said thank you when I said I liked her tattoo! haha)

Have I told you guys how much I’m loving Halloween time in Los Angeles?  This past Wednesday I went to Knott’s Berry Scary Farm for a work outing. I had A BLAST. Overall, the mazes weren’t as detailed and high tech as the ones at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights, but they weren’t overcrowded (unlike Universal) which made for a better experience overall.

First of all, make sure to buy your tickets ONLINE. It’s significant cheaper online and you don’t have to wait in line at the box office. Going during the week will probably be less crowded than the weekend, but seeing as Halloween is next weekend, it might be crowded all week. We made sure to come right at 7pm when the park opened. It wasn’t very crowded and the monsters were “fresh” so to speak, so we got some of their best moves/scare tactics. Towards the end, my co-workers and I saw some monsters slacking, standing around and talking with others while  still in the mazes.

Unlike Universal Studios, there are no “scare zones” at Knott’s Scary Farm. The whole park is one damn scare zone, so be ready for zombies, evil clowns, ugly trolls, and all kinds of monsters jumping out to scare you. There was at least two times when I was bombarded with monsters yelling, grunting, and squealing at me. I think I’m a target because of my size (and maybe because I jump and run away when I’m startled). The girl pictured above really scared the crap out of me because she flapped a hand fan in my face and then kept yelling at me that I was a disgrace. She also made some weird snorting/grunting noise that freaked me out.  In the meantime, this huge I-don’t-know-what grunted in my ear and the rest was a blur.

There was also a scary looking girl dressed in black who had white contacts on. She came right in my face and contorted her body in a really messed up way and made a really guttural noise. I had to put my hand in front of her face and say, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t look at you. You’re just too scary!” I think the monsters at Knott’s Scary Farm were actually scarier than the ones at Universal Studios because they were really in your face. The ones at Universal Studios had to work a very large crowd, so they had to work quickly, but the ones at Knotts Scary Farm took their time harassing each person.

There are 13 mazes, tons of shows, and rides, so make sure you plan accordingly. I went through all 13 mazes, one roller coaster, one log ride, and one train ride and was at the park from about 7pm-midnight. As I stated, the mazes weren’t as detailed at the ones at Universal Studios, but scary nonetheless.

Overall, I highly recommend Knott’s Scary Farm if you are a haunted house enthusiast. This place has the most bang for your buck. Plus, it’s open until 1am during the week, then 2am during the weekend.

I scanned the map to give you an idea of where all the mazes are.  After the jump I’ll give you a breakdown of each maze.

Here’s a Quick Summary of the Mazes:

1. Slaughterhouse – I actually laughed when I got to this maze for some reason. It seemed a bit cartoon-y outside.

2. Fallout Shelter – Strange things are produced when there is nuclear waste, I will just tell you that.

3. Lockdown: the Asylum – I think this was my favorite maze in the park.  The crazies have escaped and you’re going right where the chaos is.

4. Club Blood – This maze is actually right next to Lockdown. Like, as soon as you finish with the previous maze, you’re pretty much right in line for this one. This one was loads of fun too. At one point, I felt like I was at a vampire rave/strip club/whichever you prefer.

5. Terror of London -I loved the backdrop for this one and how you actually went through the streets and buildings of London. At one point, I think you see Jack the Ripper or some equally creepy looking guy.  Unfortunately I went to this maze towards the end of the night and a few of the monsters did not give us their “A” game. I mean, I understand it’s late and you’ve been screaming all night, but still a bummer.

6. The Doll Factory – This was my second favorite. I will warn you now there is a girl doll in there that will make you say, “WHAT THE F*CK?!” I think the security guard yelled at us to keep going because we were just standing in the room staring at her and swearing.

7. Dia de los Muertos – Didn’t opt for the $1 3-D glasses, but had fun anyway. It was very neon-y.

8. Black Widow’s Cavern – this is a modified ride. It’s a the mine ride with monsters hiding in the shadows. And spider stuff. I hate spiders.

9. Sleepy Hollow Mountain – this is also a modified ride. It was the log ride. I really enjoyed this one, lots to look at.  Make sure you protect your phone, though. I got drenched from sitting in the front.

10. Uncle Bobo’s Bigtop of the Bizarre – Another 3-D maze where I skipped the glasses. It was clearly very outdated and probably my least favorite in the park. That’s saying a lot since clowns scare the crap out of me. Sorry Uncle Bobo.

11. Virus Z - What can I say, I’m a sucker for the infected. Before we went in to this maze, there was a zombie guy outside and he stole my co-workers map, threw it away, and then gave her a half torn up map.  Then she made him fish it out of the trash can and give her back her original map. That was the best part.

12. Cornstalkers – This was a fun one. Those damn corn people hid pretty well, so there were quite a few times when I screamed and swore.

13. Labyrinth – A maze for the girly girls. It was very disorienting because a really pretty nymph would swirl around me and then look at me and make some really messed up noise. I vaguely remember seeing a lot of ugly goat looking things, but that might have been my imagination.